Situational Irony
by Andrometamorphose
Summary: Naruto convinces himself that he is drunk, and Sasuke falls for it. narusasu


Situational Irony 

A/N: This is the reason I couldn't fall asleep last night. This also proves that I am still alive (I hope).

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

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_And we'd like to thank Our Sasuke for dealing with Us and actually not killing Us when We mentioned the Bastard Who Shall Not Be Named. That bastard shouldn't even deserve to experience the taste of Ichiraku ramen._

Gawd.

But, Our Uchiha, I'd like to do this again sometime. Maybe tonight? It'll be **hard** to decline the offer, ne?

Shitfuckgawdohmyfuckinggawdno.

Naruto crumpled up the piece of soup-stained paper and threw it behind him. That was no way to write to Sasuke –he sounded as if he were writing up a mission report on how he chased a cat for money. Not that he hadn't the other day, of course. Tsunade could be scary when she got mad.

And 'Our Uchiha'? Sasuke would rip out his balls and then leave him evasculated for life. Sasuke didn't like being the one owned –Naruto chuckled at the double etendre –even though that's how the Kyuubi and Naruto felt about Sasuke.

'Our Sasuke'.

Naruto sighed, remembering the sex-capade they had had the night before.

----

"**T-t-teme?"**

"**What, dobe?"**

"**I think need we home go," Naruto slurred drunkenly, slinging an arm across his teammate's sharp shoulders **(they were sharp, oh so sharp in the rain when they trained and fuck what the hell was he doing rhyming?).

"**I think so too. And you said that you could hold your alcohol?" Sasuke half-challenged, half-sneered at the blonde.**

"**Shuddup…"**

"**Whatever."**

**And with that, the two got up and stumbled (on Naruto's part) out into the rainy, slippery night, falling and laughing and forgetting and remembering. **

**It was perfect, an oh so perfect night, something out of a pretty storybook where the heroes got drunk and happy and god, they were happy, weren't they?**

**Because Sasuke was smiling.**

**And suddenly, Naruto was happy because Sasuke was happy and they were both smiling and shitfuckgod the moment was beautiful and so Naruto seized the moment unconsciously **(but he really knew what was going to happen, didn't he?) **and reached a hand up to cup the back of Sasuke's slightly feminine neck, the same one that Naruto had teased the Uchiha –'Our Uchiha' –about that afternoon. **

**The kiss was far from delicate, eloquent, the kind you find in romance novels and whatnot, because romantic, rainy-night, Spiderman-esque kisses are only seen in movies where Spiderman and the heroes win and no one dies, especially an eight year old's family, killed by his own brother. And the orphan is supposed to sing and parade down the mess halls like a Shirley Temple kind of hot gimmick and cheesy catch phrase/line/motto. **

**Sort of like the Powerpuff Girls.**

**Or not.**

**Because Naruto and Sasuke were kissing, their teeth pulling and tugging at each other's tongues and their fingers were doing the same with their hair because god, they were ****wet**** and everything around them was ****wet**** and shitfuckgod they weren't ****that**** perverted.**

**It was raining outside.**

**They were kissing outside.**

**They were kissing in the rainy evening.**

**And as expected, Sasuke had been the first one to pull away, catch his breath, and put on some kind of weird expression that leaned toward more of annoyed-but-keep-on-doing-what-you're-doing-because-I-like-it rather than I'm-gonna-castrate-you-and-you-won't-be-able-to-jerk-off-in-bathhouses-anymore-with-the perverted-hermit. So Naruto took the initiative and slammed Sasuke against the wall and ground their bodies together until Sasuke moaned and god, things were going downhill, weren't they?**

**Because teammates weren't supposed to do this.**

**But then again, being Naruto, he didn't care.**

**To hell with that.**

**------------------------------**

Naruto sighed and began writing again, this time using a paper napkin and a scratchy blue pen instead of the leaky black one with the teeth marks all over it.

_Hey teme, I just wanted to say that I had fun last night. We should do it again because it really felt nice and the thing you did with your tongue –can you do that again tonight?_

Uh.

No, for several reasons.

That sounded clingy, the kind of letter Sakura would even make fun of.

Naruto himself would sound like a whore if he called Sasuke up and read to him what he just wrote, because, in a sense, that was what he was going to do. Once he wrote up a decent speech, that was.

In addition to sounding like a whore, he could already imagine Sasuke's flat-out refusal. 'I could pay you! With ramen!' Naruto could imagine himself pleading and then the Uchiha hanging up.

Naruto sighed and then he decided that he had missed two lost opportunities in his life : a) learning how to write a letter from Iruka-sensei instead of pulling of the sexy-no-jutsu and b) he should have either stolen a copy of Icha Icha Paradise from Jiraiya during his training or at least have listened to him talk to a Tsunade look-alike in one of those shady bars that only catered to big, white-haired perverts.

Not that Naruto wasn't a big blonde pervert himself. Otherwise, he wouldn't have acted the way he did that night. Yes, he was now referring to that night with italics. It just proved how pathetic his life was at the moment.

Naruto thumped his head on the desk. At this rate, he was going to fall asleep like the toddler that belonged to the annoying couple next door.

Wait.

Toddler.

Next door.

_That night_.

For the third-fourth-millionth time in the row, Naruto repeated the mantra over in his head.

Shitfuckgod

The two-year old couldn't have seen him and Sasuke last night, right?

-----

"**Are we there yet?" Naruto whispered in the crook of Sasuke's neck, tongue rolling and teasing the soft white skin that lay beneath him. He felt Sasuke shiver and tense up beneath him and then gave the Uchiha a hard suck and rested his head on his shoulder, sighing.**

"**Almost," Sasuke managed, successfully –because Uchihas ****always**** succeeded –keeping his calm demeanor. **

**Naruto didn't miss the catch in his teammate's voice, and smiled.**

**Tripping up the stairs, the two arrived at Naruto's door, and suddenly, Naruto felt a hand go down.**

**Down there.**

**And since he wasn't the one initiating the action, he yelped and gave Sasuke a reproachful look.**

"**Hey! You're on bottom, teme!" he managed to slur out.**

"**Naruto. I'm just getting your keys, so shut up," Sasuke growled. Naruto heard some curses under Sasuke's breath –he said something about crotches and uke and ass-raping, but Naruto dismissed that as the alcohol speaking. **

**Never mind that he never got drunk –the Kyuubi's power ensured that, but Naruto was having enough fun pretending to be and flustering Sasuke. It didn't matter, because he could ****feel**** Sasuke heating up.**

**Sasuke + heat equals walking nymphomaniac**

**Naruto couldn't wait.**

**------**

Naruto groaned. He needed a cold shower.

Now.

He quickly tripped and skipped over piles of crumpled up paper –the result of his afternoon –and slammed the bathroom door shut. He turned on the faucet soon after.

Glorious, glorious cold water poured over him, quickly washing away the appeal of Sasuke's mouth where it shouldn't be. Naruto coughed, fighting a flush.

Well, maybe cold water didn't always work.

More unbidden, alcohol-tinged –or so Naruto convinced himself –scenes flashed back.

-

**They ended up in the living room floor, all wet and clothed and hard.**

"**You're on bottom, teme," Naruto said, the second time that night.**

"**You wish," Sasuke grunted out, fighting a moan as Naruto slammed their mouths together in what was probably the sloppiest, tooth-filled kiss of the century. But Sasuke, being Sasuke, didn't mind. He seemed to like it, and responded, grinding their erections together.**

**The fight was on.**

**Quickly, Sasuke took control of the situation, flipping Naruto over so that the blonde was on bottom, giving Sasuke easy access, as well as some vast kiss-bite-nibble space to chew and tease while he took his time with the Uzumaki.**

"**Sasuke," Naruto choked out, but his head was roughly turned to the side and his mouth was covered –again –so that neither could talk. This time, Sasuke took his time, languidly slipping his tongue in between their mouths, exploring and waging a fight with Naruto's as his hand moved lower to pull down the blonde's jeans.**

**And then his boxers.**

**And then it went up to tear off his shirt, much to the dismay of its owner, who protested that it was brand new, even though the ramen stains declared otherwise.**

"**Shut up," Sasuke muttered, and then paused.**

"**Just…"**

"**Just what?" Naruto turned around, his eyes catching Sasuke's.**

**And that was it.**

**As if finally losing control, Sasuke had Naruto backed up against the wall in a second, and bent down, taking all of Naruto in his mouth.**

**The thing with the Uchihas was that they had large mouths and long throats. Perfect for the fire jutsus and for the ****other**** things they did in the bedroom.**

**Naruto found himself moaning and ran his fingers through Sasuke's hair, desperate for the tongue that was slowly making its way up and down his shaft, curling and sucking all the while.**

**And so when Naruto came first, they both knew who had won.**

"**Teme," Naruto had whispered, and kissed Sasuke on the mouth, and this time, it was a romantic kiss, the real one with Spiderman and rainy nights and movies and god, Sasuke was hard again and shitfuckgod there was no way in ****hell**** Naruto was going to be on bottom this time. The Uchiha could shove his dick up something else, and Naruto was tired of being uke.**

"**Bend over," Naruto instructed, and dragged/slung the sex-drunk-sleepy Uchiha upside-down so that he was for the taking.**

**Naruto would have liked to say that they lasted all night, but the truth was, they only made it for another hour before they fell asleep.**

**Suckers.**

**-------------**

By the time Naruto had come out of the shower, he knew with a frustrating kind of acceptedness what he was going to say. And this time, he didn't have to write it down so he would remember.

He picked up the phone and dialed the phone number of doom.

"Hello?" came a muffled hoarse reply. Seemed as if Sasuke was either still hung over or was in the middle of jerking himself off. Naruto hoped it was the latter because cum-covered Sasuke was better than smelly Sasuke. Kyuubi agreed.

"Sasuke?"

"What do you want?" Sasuke asked, sounding a bit more normal. Maybe he had just woken up instead.

"Well?" Sasuke repeated.

Naruto took a deep breath, used his (un)sexy, (not) mysterious, (cracked) deep voice and spoke.

"Thanks for the fuck. Do it again tonight?"

Direct –check

Impulsive –check

Surprising –check

A turn on –not quite

It was a wonder that Sasuke didn't Chidori Naruto's ass to Jiraiya and his Tsunade clone and instead opted for the nicely phrased 'but you're going to be on bottom this time.'

Naruto, running out of excuses, had nothing else to do but agree.

**-fin-**

A/N: So how was it? I haven't written lemons in freaking forever so I'm a bit rusty. Make out scenes are more of my style and then vaguely hinted sex scenes are good enough for me, but I knew you guys would want more.

Hope it was in character enough, although I did sorta twist Sasuke's personality a little, because knowing him, he would have killed Naruto for saying what he did. :)

**Feedback, anyone?**


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